To my fellow women who have privilege in this world - we need to talk about self-care...

Especially when we're in perimenopause!

I have a personal story about self-care to share with you.

This is not a ‘before & after’ story - It’s an ‘on the journey & still on the journey story’.

Before I begin this story, it is important for you to know that I have a lot of privilege in this world. I am white, cisgender, heterosexual and I’m in a safe, stable relationship, with the father of my child. I am also able-bodied, for now. I’m also relatively financial stable - we don’t have so much money that we can spend whatever we like without paying attention, but we have a lovely home, for which we easily make our monthly mortgage payments, we have two cars that are not new or fancy, but get us around just fine, and we can add some organic food to our shopping basket, and I can have a monthly gym membership, without any real worry or stress being generated about our finances.

This is my privileged context, now onto the story:

These photos above are both impromptu, unposed photos of me - On the left is me in December 2023 & on the right is me earlier this week, January 2025. Taken just over on year apart.

My partner happened upon this old photo of me this week, and when he found it, we realised that while I was wearing the exact same jumper … but otherwise I looked so very different.

December 2023 (in the photo on the left) was when I finally realised I was in perimenopause - I then realised quickly that I had been for years, without knowing it.

All I knew was that, for a long time, I was suffering with anxiety, heart palpitations, rage, insomnia, aches, pains, weight gain, near constant chest & sinus infections, exhaustion, burnout and much more.

It was only reading a fiction book at the time, quite coincidentally, that clued me up that these symptoms, lumped together, might constitute perimenopause - the main character in this fiction book was struggling in so many similar ways to me and yet was calling it ‘menopause’ … I didn’t think this was possible for me, as I was only 43, and it seemed a bit early, but a quick google search along the lines of ‘menopause symptoms in early 40s’, of course led me straight to the term I had been lacking, but had so very much needed in my life: ‘perimenopause’.

Now, empowered with the word ‘perimenopause’, I started to do some research.

At age 43, I began to learn about my hormones, and my daily & monthly hormonal cycles, for the first time in my life - I learned about the impact of hormonal changes on every system of my body & the impact of my lifestyle choices on my hormones & body systems.

Based on my research I now knew that I had some choices - I became aware that some potential options were available to me, to potentially help me change my experience of all these really debilitating symptoms.

For my own reasons, I chose not to start HRT just yet & to see how far lifestyle changes could get me first.

So - I adapted my nutrition, I adapted my sleep hygiene, I adapted my movement plans & I removed some environmental toxins. I also started tracking & honouring my menstrual cycle. I prioritised resting like never before, said ‘no’ to more than ever before & asked for the hands-on practical support of my partner like never before.

Importantly, as I adapted my lifestyle, I paid attention to how my body felt - if something felt good I kept doing it, if it felt bad I stopped. I took every single bit of research I did, and advice from others, with a good few ‘grains of salt’ - I made sure that my own experience, within my body, trumped ALL other ideas from anyone else about what my body might need.

And honestly, even I’ve been ASTOUNDED at just how far adapting my self-care for perimenopause has taken me from where I was, within one year

You can see so much of that change in these photos above - I’ve clearly lost weight & I’ve lost ‘puffiness’ - I put this down to my body being less inflamed now, due to the changes I’ve made to my lifestyle. You can also see in the photos that a brightness has returned to my eyes & my skin.

It’s very important to note that my aim in December 2023 was actually NOT to lose weight - No, I simply felt awful, and I wanted to adapt my self-care & my lifestyle, to feel more well.

There are also, arguably more important, other aspects of my health that you cannot see in these photos - My now reduced anxiety, now almost non-existent heart palpitations, fewer aches & pains, better sleep & fewer rage-filled outbursts. I have been saying for months: “I feel about a hundred times better than a year ago'“, and when I saw this old photo, it really hit me just how powerful my self-care and lifestyle adaptations have been over the last year.

There is a lot said about self-care these days. There is a lot of misinformation about what it is & isn’t, and there is a lot of confusion about whether we should even talk about self-care while so much systemic change is necessary in the world.

I agree there needs to be SO MUCH systemic change in our world & that the health of humans should NOT be placed entirely on the individual shoulders of those humans.

I am absolutely no expert on systemic oppression. I am a well-educated woman and psychologist who only truly learned the term ‘white privilege’ in 2020, and who has spent the last 4 and a bit years learning about this, and learning about the other ways in which I am both privileged in, and negatively impacted by, the various systems of oppression that operate all around all of us.

From my (very recent) learning, it seems to me that the two oppressive systems that arguably impact me the most are capitalism and the patriarchy.

In a nutshell, the patriarchy seems to have contributed to me not being educated about my female reproductive system in any meaningful way, until doing my own research in my 40s, AND for the silence & shame that surrounds perimenopause despite so many of us experiencing it. It also seems to make it incredibly hard to do research into my female reproductive health, because so much medical & health research is based on the study of men, and not women. It also makes it incredibly hard for me to get any useful help from a GP for perimenopause (beyond being offered a near-useless blood test and anti-anxiety medication - true story), because, yes again - most medical training is based on that solely male-dominated research picture.

In another, equally problematic nutshell, capitalism seems to contribute to how hard and expensive it is to get good quality, easy to prepare, healthy & nutritious food in the western world. It seems to me to be capitalism’s fault that it is often cheaper to buy a bottle of fizzy, sugary pop than it is to buy a bottle of sparking water, and why it’s often also cheaper to buy sweets and crisps than fresh, organic vegetables. Capitalism also seems to contribute to everyone, including myself, feeling a need to work all the hours in every day, to make a buck, to buy all the things, and go on all the holidays, and live in the biggest house possible, etc. etc. etc., while our bodies scream at us to rest and relax. Capitalism also seems to heavily contribute to us buying anything and everything labelled ‘self-care’ or ‘wellness’, in a vain hope to feel momentarily well, so that we can keep on working and shopping and eating all the crap - you know, so we can keep being ‘normal’.

Let’s imagine for a moment that capitalism and the patriarchy had already been dismantled - In this scenario, it is probably very true that I would have suffered a lot less from my perimenopause symptoms, and so would millions of other menstruating people. We would have been better prepared throughout our life, for this transition, which would be honoured and supported instead of shamed, and we would all have wise elder women to consult with about how to navigate this journey with grace, compassion & support. We would also all have been more able to rest throughout our lives, and not push our bodies too far, too many times, and we all would have been able to eat more nutritious food more often, rather than over-relying on affordable ultra-processed, ready in a jiffy, pseudo-food.

Yes, if capitalism and patriarchy had already been dismantled, I very probably would have arrived at this life transition of perimenopause far more healthy already, far more cared-for and tended-to already, and far more prepared & supported for the transition that lay ahead. And there is much to be said for doing all we can to dismantle these systems, and the others that impact on many more people in far more harmful ways (white supremacy, ableism & transphobia to name a few), as fast as possible so that menstruating people in the future can be spared the experience if arriving at perimenopause exhausted, unaware, suffering and in pain and shame.

And at the same time, had I sat back & waited for this needed systemic change, and had I continued to neglect my ability to adapt the care I was giving myself, in the here and now, I would still be that struggling person on the left.

I’m glad I did what I could, with what I had, in the reality within which I live.

Self-care can be so powerful. Self-care can be empowering. We should acknowledge the deeply harmful systems of oppression, yes, AND own this truth about self-care and turn it to our advantage. I’d even go so far as to say that good, meaningful self-care is actually our best shot at changing our health trajectory in the short-term AND changing the world & the systems within it too.

We cannot fight & dismantle dehumanising & oppressive systems while we’re on our knees with our struggles. And for those of us with some privilege, we do often have the power we need to choose to get ourselves off our bruised knees - only then, once we’re then up and feeling better, we can truly begin to change the wider world for the better too.

Due to my self-care over the last year, I now have the energy to contribute so much more towards making the systemic changes that are so needed - here in my writing, and on my social media, as well as in my therapy room with the clients I support, in the ways I raise my son - both in respecting & advocating for his human needs & supporting him to see the humanity in others - and in my community.

Knowing the power of self-care, for individual and world change, is one reason why I am so passionate about supporting my clients to practice their own self-care.

So much gets in the way of us looking after ourselves, and I believe perimenopause is our body’s way of saying ‘enough - it’s now time to look after you’.

My own personal talking therapy has been KEY to unlocking all the internal barriers & obstacles I had, stopping me from looking after myself, and I’m VERY passionate about providing good therapy to help others do the same unlocking of their self-care potential.

We need to include self-care in our discussion about health & wellness, I am evidence of that in the photos above, and I see evidence of that every day in many other people too.

As part of this, we need to talk about what we mean when we talk about ‘self-care’ and what we don’t mean.

We need to talk about real self-care - which is based on embracing humanity & meeting our human needs, AND we need to increase our awareness of the so-called (capitalist, co-opted ideas of) ‘self-care’, which are absolutely ONLY set up to keep us on the exhausting & harmful hamster wheel for as long as possible while we spend more & more money to periodically refuel ourselves, to keep running on it.

We need to talk about how real self-care dismantles systems of oppression, while the so-called ‘self-care’ based on oppressive, dehumanising principles maintains the oppressive systems that keep us all sick.

We also need to talk about our privilege.

We need to talk about why so many of us, with privilege, are (albeit probably unconsciously) making choices to uphold oppressive systems like capitalism & patriarchy, white supremacy and ableism, by neglecting our own self-care, and by extension also neglecting our own humanity.

We need to talk about how using our privilege to make different decisions - to instead provide ourselves with real, humanising self-care - helps us AND at the same time also contributes to the dismantling of systems of oppression that keep so many humans trapped & persecuted.

It is for each of us to decide what self-care is best for us. That is why I am sharing very little detail here about what specific lifestyle changes I actually made - that is not the point.

The point is - so many of us hold the power to truly take care of ourselves, in the here-and-now, especially if we have privilege - if we are white, financially stable, and able-bodied for example.

And yet, so many of us neglect this inner power, I think largely due to numerous unconscious barriers & obstacles we have adopted through life, that tell us we’re not worthy of truly feeling and being well and healthy.

This is a huge part of the therapy I offer my clients:

An opportunity to unpack why meaningful, impactful self-care is so hard, even when we have privilege.

An opportunity to unpack why we choose to numb our pain with toxins instead of tending to our pain compassionately.

An opportunity to unpack why we ‘treat’ ourselves with expensive material and fleeting pleasures, which only ultimately keep us stuck, rather than truly treating ourselves with nourishment and nurturing.

An opportunity to unpack why we blindly follow the advice of others, without doing our own research - both research ‘out there’ in books, podcasts and online, AND research ‘within’ our own bodies, through checking in with how we actually feel and what our intuition is telling us is good for our mind, body & soul.

An opportunity to unpack why we all feel so much guilt and shame when we do anything for ourselves, or when we try to prioritise our own wellbeing, or when we say ‘no’ to something that doesn’t work for us, or ‘yes’ to something that is unpopular but seems to work so well for us…

I have unpacked all of this and more in my own personal talking therapy over the years, and I know of no other process like good talking therapy, for opening doors to our self-empowerment, when it comes to our health and wellbeing.

And as I said at the beginning, my story continues … my body continues to change and I continue to listen in attentively, respect its wisdom, and try to keep adapting to what it needs.

Self-care is not the whole picture, of course - nothing is. And self-care isn’t a destination - we cannot ever arrive at an ‘all cared-for’ place, where we can then hang up our trusty self-care toolkit and live happily ever after. Self-care is not a panacea - it is a lifelong commitment and a practice. And even with the most whizz-bang self-care practices in the world, there is always luck, chance and fate that play a huge role for all of us & our health.

And yet, for all that self-care is not, I believe wholeheartedly that it IS absolutely a crucial PART of how we can maximise our health potential, and how we can change the world for the better, for everyone - including those who have less power & privilege than us.

Jenny

Ps. To read more from me, about what I mean when I talk about self-care, you may also like to read my recent blog on the topic.

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I am Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a private psychology practice in which I offer face-to-face psychology assessment and intervention to individuals and couples in Ripon, Yorkshire (UK), as well as UK-wide online psychology services, via Zoom.

I am passionate about assisting people to alleviate their suffering, by helping them to better understand, embrace and honour their human needs & their humanity - as well as the humanity of their children, and anyone else they are in relationship with.

And I wholeheartedly practice what I preach.

You can find out more about the psychology services I offer via my website.