Ten ways that I'm getting more rest, in my midlife.
I'm definitely getting creative in my 40s about what I consider rest to be, and how to get more of it, daily.
I have been subconsciously pulled to the concept of ‘intentionally cultivating more rest’ for several years.
For example, in my mid 30s, I noted early in my Brené Brown love affair that she talked about both ‘cultivating play and rest’ and ‘cultivating calm and stillness’ (in her 2010 book “The Gifts of Imperfection”), and I embraced these ideas at that time, as part of my growing self-care practice.
Yet despite establishing this strong foundation of self-care and rest - I felt perpetually tired, no EXHAUSTED, for more than 3 years when I became a mother at age 40 - in fact, it was more like 4 years - I recall so many people saying to me (when I was pregnant): “get your sleep now, before the baby comes!”, yet it turned out that my ‘morning sickness’ (ha, never a more inadequately named ailment), bladder, restless legs and back pain had wildly different ideas for me, during that time …
I now know that exhaustion is very common in our perimenopausal years, just as it is common in early motherhood - So no wonder I was on my knees with TOTAL EXHAUSTION for so long then, from 2020 to 2023, as I was going through BOTH at the exact same time.
It was within this bleary eyed, near-constant burnout, exhaustion that I then came across Tricia Hersey’s book: “Rest is Resistance: Free Yourself from Grind Culture and Reclaim Your Life”.
I devoured it. Twice. I highly recommend that everyone read this book - it is hugely enlightening, particularly regarding how grind culture entraps us all, dehumanises all of us, and exhausts us all. Tricia Hersey describes that keeping us busy, and/or keeping us distrustful of the potential benefits of resting, are the key strategies of our culture, to perpetuate the destructive and oppressive systems of capitalism and white supremacy.
(As an aside, I’ve spend the last 20 minutes looking through this book again, with a view to pull out a quote or two for this post … and what a futile exercise that was - the entire book is quotable brilliance. Just get yourself a copy, if you don’t have one already!)
One of Tricia’s ideas about rest, that has resonated within me daily, since reading her book, is this:
“This is about more than naps”
Tricia Hersey talks about rest existing in many forms - in our minds, in our bodies and in our souls. She talks about rest exiting while we’re with people, and when alone. While we’re awake, and while asleep. While we’re still, and while we’re moving. This idea has become a sort of touchstone for me since reading her book, so rather than waiting until I have time for a nap (i.e.: never), I now think about how I can consciously bring a vibe of rested-ness, to any given day.
With that in mind - here are 10 resting practices I currently have, with this ‘it’s not just napping’ vibe:
(n.b. This is very much not a ‘top ten’ list - it’s just a ‘regular old random ten’ - off the top of my head - there are many more ways I am prioritising rest in my 40s, which are likely to make their appearance in various other Substack posts, coming up from me in the future… )
Skipping a hair wash in the morning - For me, the hair-wash-shower takes ages. To be classed as ‘clean’ my hair ideally needs a wash every morning, and it requires A LOT of time with the conditioner on, then lots of time detangling, then product-applying, then scrunching, and diffusing, etc. So, I’ve recently deliberately grown my hair longer, so that I can skip the hair wash (sometimes even the whole shower!) every other day, or as/when I’m feeling the need for more slowness & less ‘doing’ in my mornings, and instead I dry-shampoo my hair, then pull it back into a slicked back up-do, that gets me through the day.
Wearing comfortable clothes - This is something I noticed about myself when I started to learn more about polyvagal theory, nervous system regulation and importance of our breathing for our wellbeing (a key text for this, for me, has been Deb Dana’s 2021 book: “Anchored”) - When I wear skinny jeans, which I have done most days since my 20s, it turns out that I simply cannot breathe properly. When we are in a rested state, we are most often breathing deeply & slow, and yet when I’m wearing skinny jeans, I am only able to breathe in a very shallow way, and therefore more quickly. I therefore now think that (until I recently started religiously living in my tracksuit pants most days) I have been perpetually ‘short of breath’ and sending ‘danger signals’ to my nervous system (a term from polyvagal theory), every day of my life since my 20s. So - no more tight, restrictive clothing! Wearing comfy clothes that allow me to breathe fully brings a rested-ness to my nervous system that is noticeable & invaluable for me now, as I go about my day.
If I must do house work, then I potter about with it slowly, while listening to a nourishing podcast - Firstly, I get honest and clear with myself about what needs doing today, and what can wait. And I’m clear with myself what tasks I don’t mind so much (the washing) and which tasks I truly hate (grocery inventory & shopping). Then, even when I need a rest - if a task I don’t hate needs doing, and if it truly helps me out to get it done today, then I will do it… But - I will do it as slowly as I can consciously manage (think -plodding like a turtle), and I will soothe myself with the drudgery of it by listening to nourishing tones and words, as I slowly get it done. My favourite podcast for this at the moment is The Menstruality Podcast, from Sophie Jane Hardy and Red School - especially when Sophie talks to Red School founders Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Werlitzer - I can’t recall ever feeling more soothed by women talking, ever before in my life - I feel soothed by both what they say, and their gorgeous way of saying it. Their voices feel like a very cosy place indeed, within which my mind & soul can rest, even if I must keep moving my body.
Sometimes, conversely, I have noticed that it is total silence that I need to rest myself. I am admittedly somewhat of a podcast addict, and so when I catch myself searching for something new to listen to, I have begun wondering instead if what I need, to truly rest my ears and my brain, is silence. Even better, I am recently choosing to walk in nature more, without any artificial sounds to get in the way - While I’m a huge fan of walking with a podcast playing, I also find that on the days I let myself hear the birdsong, and the rustling of the leaves in the trees, this can also feel very soothing to my nervous system, and far more restful for my brain than people talking.
A new mantra: “There is no real urgency here” - This one comes from my recent engagement with a brilliant online course being offered by Sophie Jane Hardy, called ‘Your Cyclical Business’, although there are absolutely echoes of Tricia Hersey’s voice here too - That sense of urgency we all feel, of all the things that always need doing, right away, with no delay - is so often false. Of course some things are urgent, but the vast majority is not truly urgent, and being able to objectively & critically think about this for each task that pops into my head has been a game changer for me. This was key for me over the last week, as I took some deliberate restful days - Of course I had a million thoughts about what needed doing in those resting days, but instead of jumping on them, I consciously reminded myself: “There is no real urgency here - We can absolutely do those things another time”, and it truly helped.
Consuming food that “loves me back” - This one is from Dr Will Cole - I’m not an advocate for any particular diet, except the one dictated to me by my own body - If I eat or drink something and I feel good, then I now try to consume more of that. And, if I eat something and it makes me feel rubbish, or bloated, or sick, or tired and lethargic, or disrupts my sleep, then I try to eat less of those foods. Throughout my life, I’ve had a complex relationship with food, overlapping with my emotions, and one of the upshots of that is that I’ve often had a sense of my body needing to work extra hard to process the food* I’ve put into it (*or drinks - like alcohol, caffeine, sugary drinks, etc.). Becoming conscious of this in recent years, means that these days I tend to just actively choose to give my body a break - by consuming more of what makes me feel good, and feels easier for me to digest, and consuming less of whatever gives me that feeling that my body is working overtime. Alcohol has been a massive one recently, for me - in my 40s, every single time I have had even one drink, my sleep has been adversely affected that night, and do you know what I’ve already never had enough of, since becoming a mum, without me making it worse for myself with booze? Yep - you guessed it - sleep. So I’m optimising my rest by consciously trying to eat and drink what facilitates rest in my body, rather than what disrupts my rest, or facilitates extra effort in my body.
More screen time for my son, than the ‘aiming-to-be-a-perfect-parent’ in me would consider ‘ideal’ - If anyone else knows how to grab moments of rested-ness with a very active, engaged, feisty four year old, then I’d love to hear some suggestions, but for now - this one works for me. I find being playful really hard - it doesn’t come naturally or easily to me - so I find that I feel more exhausted when I’m playing with my son all day. So - allowing him some iPad time means he gets the stimulation he needs, he learns loads, and gets ideas for more play and creativity, and I get to have chunks of rest throughout the day. With this in mind, I am VERY grateful to Dr Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker, for my recent learnings from their new book ‘When The Naughty Step Doesn’t Work’ - they share some VERY refreshing ideas about screen time, that seem to fit very well with what I’m doing anyway, for me and my son.
Barefoot walking, in the woods - I’ve been really drawn to barefoot walking recently, in a way that I can’t really explain the logic of - it’s more of a bizarre mystical calling to me, rather than a logical decision I’ve made. But hey - I’m not questioning it too much - I’m just loving it, and I’m going with it. I’ve therefore discovered recently that I can still walk pretty fast on the paths, in bare feet, and on the fields… but when I walk in the woods in my bare feet, over the sharp stones and broken twigs, then I am forced to SLOW DOWN! I’m forced to concentrate on my body, right in here and now, rather than the thoughts racing in my mind. I am forced to be gentle with my steps, rather than powering forward as usual, in a race to the next thing. It is therefore restful for me to go slower, and I highly recommend it! There is also some science here, that I don’t fully understand - Apparently, there is something about the voltage of our body and nervous system being balanced by the electrons in the natural world - it’s called ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’ - so there is apparently even rest to be had for our bodies, on a cellular level, by being barefoot in nature. Those of you who follow me on Instagram will also know that I try most mornings to have my breakfast and/or my morning coffee in my back garden, with my bare feet on the ground - also for these reasons - of slowness, grabbing a moment of rest, mindfulness and earthing.
Going to bed early, and alone - More and more recently, I am saying my goodnights to my partner, early, and I am going to bed. I’m making the conscious choice to not watch TV, or work on my computer. Instead I might read - although nothing too intellectual or challenging. Or I might journal. Or lie still, in the dark, and focus on some slow deep breathing. I also leave my phone charging on a table in out hallway upstairs - this would NOT be restful time for me if I was within reach of my phone, so I take that temptation away, in this really concrete way. Sometimes I fall asleep quicker by doing this evening routine, and sometimes I do not - but either way, I hold onto the idea that resting is important for me, and that I can be getting valuable rest, even when I’m not sleeping. I’ve come to discover (perhaps unsurprisingly) that spending time alone, in a darkened room, at the end of the day, is far more restful for me than staying up, in bright lights, in front of a TV, phone or computer. Even if I lie there, just breathing, for ages, I consider this really valuable meditating time, and I figure this is the closest thing to sleeping that I can be doing, to consciously rest my mind and body.
A few days off social media - I did this over the weekend, for the first time in years. I’m typically an everyday consumer of social media, but the more conscious I get about getting enough rest, the more I had to admit to myself that while I gain so much from social media, a sense of rested-ness is definitely not one of the things I gain. Social media is overstimulating for me, in every way - both in visual & auditory ways. Social media also fuels my inner critical voice - the one that compares me to other accounts, who are all ‘doing it better than me’ (life, creating, cooking, dressing, everything really…). When I’m in the social media space, I definitely feel more agitated and activated, than I feel rested or calm, so it’s an easy win for me to gain more rest in my month by switching it off. I really valued my time off social media this last week, and I plan to do it again, perhaps making it a regular plan for me. When I took a break from it, I felt I could hear my own thoughts again more clearly, and so I felt more rested - not just in my body and my brain, but more rested and settled in who I am. I figure this has got to be a good thing, and I definitely want more of this feeling in my life.
Looking back now, I believe my subconscious pull to explore rest, and what it could look like for me, was a signal from my body and soul that I was entering perimenopause - I now believe perimenopause is a time when our bodies naturally recalibrate our ‘human-ness’, and let us know what we need to top up on, what we need as humans, to thrive for the rest of our lives, post-menopause*.
There is not a single thing in nature, except for humans, that constantly and endlessly tries to get by on little or no rest - no - everything in nature is cyclical, everything ebbs and flows, and humans are no exception (despite the opposite message we often get from our culture). I now believe that my inner, natural wisdom was pulling me to rest more, because I am human and that’s what humans need, and it was aware that I had been running on near empty for too many years of my life.
But resting is hard. Those messages from our society to ‘never stop’, ‘never rest’, or ‘keep going’, are no joke - they are violent and pernicious and we hear them every single day, from one direction or another. So even though I engage in these restful vibes daily now, I am never not fighting an internal voice that tells me I ‘should’ be doing more.
Even though I am prioritising rest more recently, I want to be honest that this isn’t an entirely comfortable experience - it often doesn’t feel great, and it’s often hard to hold that space for myself and my slowness, as I pick up vibes from my family that they too (as well as my inner critic) think I should be always doing ‘more’ too…
So - my resting is a practice, one that I am learning about as I go, and it is a practice that I assume I will continue to grapple with for the rest of my days.
Perhaps ironically, resting into that idea - that rest isn’t easy, that it doesn’t always feel good, and that it creates both internal and external conflicts for me - actually does itself help me, to rest into the discomfort of the restful moments I’m cultivating.
Jenny x
I am Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a private psychology practice in which I offer face-to-face psychology assessment and intervention to individuals and couples in Ripon, Yorkshire (UK), as well as UK-wide online psychology services, via Zoom.
I am passionate about assisting people to alleviate their suffering, by helping them to better understand, embrace and honour their human needs & their humanity - as well as the humanity of their children, and anyone else they are in relationship with. And I only ever practice what I preach.
You can find out more about the psychology services I offer via my website.
*These learnings have been heavily influenced by Red School.
This really resonated. I had my daughter at 40 too so was in the parenthood sleep deprivation plus peri menopause stage together (added to supporting ageing parents & an aunt). I see with hindsight that I had entered this period pretty depleted anyway (as a Type A, perfectionist people pleaser) so the result was an autoimmune condition.
I’ve done v similar work to you on being intentional about caring for myself. I shall be buying Tricia Hersey’s book pronto!
So lovely to connect with a network of people (mostly women) on here & Instagram that are waking up to the damage our ‘always on, always achieving’ culture is doing.
Absolutely agree with you on each point here, Jenny. We have been conditioned to achieve more, to be a rushing woman, in a world designed to hate slowness and thoughtfulness. Everything must be decided in a finger snap, and then we wonder why chronic illnesses increase in numbers, a silent pandemic.