How perimenopause has given my familiar sense of 'never enough time' a new flavour.
Time is a real challenge for me currently …
I know this isn’t a revolutionary statement, and I know I am not alone.
I know that most of you reading this are thinking: ‘Yep, me too….’.
What’s new for me at the moment is why I’m feeling the pinch of time so acutely. You see, I’m in perimenopause, and my management of my time in this phase of my life, feels very different to ever before.
But let’s start with a brief reminisce:
In my 30’s, as a single woman with no children, and living in a rented property, I recall having so much time on my hands that I would be able to read a whole book each week, and binge watch an entire TV series in one or two sittings, on a rainy weekend. Or, on a sunny weekend, I would take myself to the local park, with my picnic blanket, a magazine, and some snacks, to literally kill the hours, until I had to be somewhere or do something else…. I had a full-time job in the week, which meant I was out of the house between at least 6:45am and 6:30pm Monday-Friday, but on the evenings and weekends - my time was my own.
Ah, those were the days. I’m grateful that I did know, even at that time, that these were indeed ‘the days’ - I soaked up all that free time, revelled in it, loved it, cherished it. I did not squander that time at all - it was time very well spent and very much appreciated.
Now, at 44, with a partner, a four year old child with a unique constellation of very valid needs, and a home that I can call my own - the concept of ‘time’ has taken on a very different feel to me.
I now feel that I never have enough of it. I have so many things that need to be done each day, each week, each month … and I never (NEVER!) anymore feel like I’ve got enough time to do it all in, let alone have any spare time. I’m juggling being a mum and primary parent, with being a business owner, and a therapist, with being the primary organiser and task-manager of the house & home too … A situation I know that many of you will be familiar with.
I also feel like my time doesn’t belong to me anymore - that instead, it mostly belongs to my child: I don’t get to entirely decide when I sleep, or how much I sleep - it seems he has far more of a say in that than I do (For context: Our son has fallen asleep after 8pm, far more times than he has slept before 8pm, and then he has also woken in the night, often several times, far more than he has slept through). I also don’t get to decide when to eat my lunch, or go the gym, or for a walk - again, this needs to all work around my son’s needs, and his schedule.
Perhaps because I was 40 before I had a child, I had become REALLY practiced and really good at enjoying my own time, controlling my own time, making the most of my own time, and all round engaging with time as if it was all for me. Now … no more.
And I do believe that this is a reality for the primary parent, in the early years of a child’s life, and for longer if/when that child has ongoing needs for additional support - I don’t believe I’m doing anything wrong, I don’t believe it’s just me, and I don’t believe I’m failing at something that other people find easy - But … I still find this reality far harder to navigate on a daily basis, than I ever imagined I would, before I became a Mum.
Not once, since becoming a mum, have I taken myself to a park, to ‘kill time’, like I used to do regularly in my 30s - The thought of time ever needing to be ‘killed’ seems utterly horrific to me now, as I work so hard now to grab at, and breathe life into, ANY wisps of time that seems just for me, and within my grasp.
I an acutely aware that other Mums have it far harder than I do: I am aware that I have been very lucky and privileged as a mother, in many ways - As well as being white, able-bodied, heterosexual, and financially stable, I have a supportive partner - always present, and always willing to get up in the night (when asked mind you, there truly does seem to be something innate in me that wakes up in the night much easier than him, when our son calls out…). Always wiling to change a nappy or make a meal, for our son, or for us.
We were also very lucky in that his work enabled me to work one day per week, while he was available to be primary parent on that day. This (and other factors) meant that, since going back to work from maternity leave, I have fairly easily pootled along with my business, with enough clients to make enough money, without doing tonnes of additional work. This means that I’ve typically been able to contain my work within that one day a week, and aside from doing some reading to inform my work with clients, I could be entirely in ‘mum-Jen’ mode for the rest of the week.
For years, I have been able to have great boundaries around my work and my life - some I have worked hard to set for myself (e.g. being clear with myself when I would and would not check my work email), and others that have been usefully arranged by outside forces (e.g. the lovely fit between my partner’s work and mine, to provide continuous childcare cover between us through the week).
But now, things are different - Our financial landscape has changed for us as a family this year, and as such, I am needing to build my business, for the first time since 2019. I am therefore spending more time on social media, and more time writing, to make my business more visible online, as well as spending more time networking and cultivating connections and relationships to create potential leads for business growth. And I love it all - truly I do! I am not complaining about this AT ALL - I am privileged to love my career, and to be feeling incredibly creative and more connected than ever to my sense of purpose in this world … I just wish I had more time to get on with it!
For example, I am absolutely LOVING writing for Substack! I am currently in the midst of collaborating with three other wonderful therapists, to write a piece about the differences between different types of therapists in private practice, and how to choose a good and safe therapist, when you are looking for one. I thought that this would be a short exercise - I first reached out to my colleagues to collaborate on this idea more than a month ago, and I felt confident that we were all embarking upon a simple task … and … I am still yet to publish anything with their contribution in it. Because it is taking more time that I anticipated. It is a bigger topic than we initially thought - it is more complicated, more nuanced, and we want to do the topic justice. It’s turned into a series of posts, rather than just one, and I want them to all fit together in a meaningful way. Stay tuned! It is on the way!
At times like this, in my business, it’s easy for me to get stuck in a critical line of thinking with myself that I’m ‘useless’, ‘taking too long’, or ‘can’t even pull a simple Substack together’.
Then I take a breath.
And I consciously force myself to remember what I am doing, instead of writing on Substack everyday:
I am currently doing two brilliant online courses, which each require about 3-5 hours of work from me each week, to get the most from my investment.
I am seeing clients weekly.
I am also, as always, acting as: Accountant, project manager, marketing chief, visionary, business strategist, administrator, customer service, tech guru (ha!), stock checker, etc*. for my business.
I am currently reading five books, for either myself as a person or a parent, and/or to better support my clients (the vast majority of the time there is no distinction here - I believe in common humanity - so if a non-fiction book is for me, it’s also very likely to be for my clients and/or my son) - I have these books placed strategically throughout my home, each with a highlighter marking my page, in case I am in that room, and have 5 minutes to pick one up and soak up a nugget of knowledge. They are - In my office: “Decolonizing Therapy”, by Jennifer Mullan; In the living room: “When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse” by Dr. Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker; In my bedroom: “Second Spring” (about perimenopause) by Kate Codrington and “The Gift of Therapy” by Irving Yalom; and finally, on audiobook for when I’m walking: “Mothers, Daughters and Body Image” by Hillary McBride.
I am posting on social media more than ever. I am engaging with other accounts on social media more than ever. I have started up another, more niche, instagram account about being a parent of a child with a food allergy and supporting other parents in the same situation.
I am creating business cards, and distributing business cards.
I am updating my website.
I am reaching out to, and liaising with various podcasts hosts, to arrange appearing on their platforms.
I am doing a lot. This list isn’t exhaustive, it’s just off the top of my head. It helps me to be very conscious about what I am doing, and what I am achieving, when I have those all too familiar thoughts of: ‘not working enough’, and/or ‘not working fast enough’.
I am also still the primary parent. This is something that my partner and I are trying to shift, with my partner picking up more parenting roles on the days I am trying to earmark for work … but this is turning into a hard shift for both of us.
It turns out that a significant part of me truly does want to do it all - I want to do all the work, to really sink my teeth into my business growth, instead of chipping away at it, one hour here, and 90 minutes there, dotted throughout the week. And yet, at the same time, I want to play with my son, especially in this last year before he goes into schooling full-time. I want to walk him to nursery and home again, I want to read with him, and take him to the playground, or to the bird hide out our local National Trust park.
And I want to stay on top of all the house-related tasks too - the shopping, the washing, the school admin - I want it all to work smoothly, all the time, perhaps ironically* so that this smoothness may begin to work as scaffolding for my based-at-home business too. (*Ironic, because trying to stay on top of all of this, is taking time away from me working my business right now… I think I imagine that one day I will ‘master it’ and the house will begin run itself, if I can just perfect the strategies and structures I’m using to attack these house-tasks … I know this is an illusion, a fantasy, but damn it - it is such an alluring and enticing one. I find it hard to let it go).
Finally, the last, most novel thing, that is currently taking up my time… is my self-care.
This time last year, when I had been struggling physically, emotionally and cognitively for 2 years, I realised I was in perimenopause. So I did some research about how to help myself through this life transition, and all of my research led to the same suggestion -
Perimenopause is a time for self-care.
More self-care, better self-care, adapted self-care. So, without going into all the details (I’ll save those details for many a future post, here on Substack!) I began prioritising:
Eating foods that nourished my body better (fresh, organic, unprocessed foods - foods that need multiple shopping trips per week, and that need 20 minutes most days to prepare, per meal)
Getting enough sleep (going to bed earlier, having good sleep hygiene - less screens after 8pm, reading before bed, etc.)
Working with my circadian rhythm (getting sunlight in the mornings before screen light, exercising with my natural cortisol rise in the mornings), and
Resting. More than ever.
Practicing menstrual cycle awareness and prioritising rest EVEN MORE during my ‘inner winter’ each month at menstruation.
All of this takes so much TIME!
And honestly, sometimes I’m utterly fed up with how much time it takes me to care for my basic needs. Fed up with how much time I could be working, if I didn’t need to prioritise all this time for just looking after myself!
It’s frustrating. Everyday I wake up, and I’m genuinely excited to work … but before I turn on my computer, I allow myself to sleep-in as much as possible (and still get my son to nursery on time). Then I give myself 10-20 minutes of peace and quiet outside, with a cup of tea, while I get some sunlight into my eyes before I look at my phone or another screen. Then I make myself a nutritious bowl of breakfast goodness, that is an absolutely faff to make (compared with slapping some nut butter on some toast), but that absolutely keeps me full-up until lunch, and improves my gut health to boot. Then, having dropped my son at nursery, I do some movement - sometimes it’s a walk in nature, today it was a walk to the gym for a 25 minute strength training session, sometimes it’s a swim, and once a week it is yoga.
Then, only then, once all of this is done, do I start work.
Sometimes, before I work, I also prioritise getting some house-bits done, especially when doing them now will make my life easier in the near future. I prioritise doing the washing - so I have clean clothes and bedding. I prioritise doing a grocery shop - so I have fresh nourishing food to eat, to fuel me and my work and life. I prioritise tidying up - because I am a long-time believer in the saying: ‘a tidy home is a tidy mind’, and I know that my nervous system feels more soothed, and less triggered, in a tidy environment.
I am fiercely protective now of this self-care routine, and yes, again very grateful that my partner is who he is and can support me with this, getting our son ready for nursery fairly independently while I tend to my needs. I’m also aware of, and endlessly grateful for, my privilege - which has allowed me the opportunities to build this particular career, and to build flexibility into it, by running my own business.
It’s complicated - I’m grateful AND I’m frustrated. I am frustrated by the time all my self-care takes these days, AND I’m fiercely protective of it, as much as I can be (nothing is perfect, and my self-care routine is no exception). I protect my self-care so veraciously these days, despite finding it annoying at times, because I notice these days how much better I feel this year, compared to recent years before I made these changes: I have lost weight (not my aim, but I cannot deny it makes me feel better, lighter in my step, less achey, etc.), I no longer have heart palpitations, or crippling anxiety, nor am I burning out, or getting sick with every winter bug my son brings home from his nursery. I am sleeping FAR better than I have in years, and I also have SUCH increased energy, creativity and vitality.
So yes, it frustrates me, all this time my self-care takes, but it also strikes me - I would be in NO position to grow my business now at all, if I wasn’t looking after myself in these ways. I wouldn’t be healthy enough.
In pat related to my dedication to my self-care, my business growth is not lightening fast right now - but it is absolutely growing, and it is growing sustainably. It is growing in a way that will protect me from burnout, and in a way that ensure I keep enjoying my work - because it is my business that is fitting in with my care for myself and my family, and not the other way around.
And this means my clients will be better served too: A well-cared for carer (psychologist/therapist/parent/teacher/nurse/doctor/etc.), can always more effectively care for others.
I’ve realised recently, that I’m saying, a lot: “Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I’ve been so busy!”, and then I am realising - what I have been most busy with recently, what is taking up so much of my time, is looking after myself. I am 44 years old, and this is the first time in my life that I can say that this.
And it makes me think: What a gift perimenopause has been for me, to bring these self-loving practices into my life, even if it did bring them in by force.
Dr. Jenny Turner
*Many thanks to Sophie Jane Hardy for providing this list of tasks that any business owner needs to manage, alongside the actual work of their business! It is truly eye-opening, and so validating and normalising of my sense of overwhelm. Sophie’s online course, called “Your Cyclical Business” is one of the courses that I am doing currently, and LOVING - I highly recommend it, to any business owner, who wishes to grow their business in a cyclical, sustainable way, with nourishing support from Sophie and the online community she has lovingly created, through offering this course.
I am Dr. Jenny Turner, Clinical Psychologist and founder of Mind Body Soul Psychology - a private psychology practice in which I offer face-to-face psychology assessment and intervention to individuals and couples in Ripon, Yorkshire (UK), as well as UK-wide online psychology services, via Zoom.
I am passionate about assisting people to alleviate their suffering, or thrive even more in their life, by helping them to better understand, embrace and honour their human needs & their humanity - as well as the humanity of their children, and anyone else they are in relationship with.
And I wholeheartedly practice what I preach.
You can find out more about the psychology services I offer via my website.
Cyclical business was a life changer for me - I had always wanted to live and work that way and it gave me the scaffolding and wording to let myself actually do it (a bit less stealth than I used to!)